Friday, 17 June 2016

Strange Laws

I think I am safe in saying that strange laws have been enacted since time immemorial. Perhaps they made some sense in the past but nowadays they seem ludicrous. The trouble is that some of those strange laws were never repealed.
                                                        

In the Wild West in the United States, if someone stole your horse, you could hang him and that wasn`t illegal then.

It is against the law to use a slingshot unless you are a police officer.

It is against the law to frown at a police officer.

There is a $1 fine if you frown in public.

Pinball machines are outlawed as well as horseracing games.


“Any game similar to a marble game” means “B alley,” “alley” and any other miniature mechanical bowling game device, by whatever name called, any table, cabinet or mechanical device equipped for the playing of any game whereby any marble, ball, pellet or any moving object is propelled, rolled, shot or released toward a goal, pin, set of pins, or other objective by means of any plunger, ejector, mechanical bat, mechanical hand, or by means of any other striking or releasing mechanism which is affixed or attached to the table or cabinet, or which is an integral part of the mechanical device or which is mechanically manipulated, controlled or guided, and which game is so contrived that, at the conclusion of the operation or play thereof the score or result of play thereof is visible or otherwise discernible so as to permit or make practicable the paying off or awarding of a prize or reward upon the operation or play of the game.
“Horse racing machine” means any mechanically operated amusement machine or device contrived to simulate in miniature the running of a horse race or any other race run by beasts, humans or machines, or which is contrived to put in motion any number of objects or symbols which then do, or appear to, run or move against each other in the manner of a miniature race, or which is designed to represent, by symbols, the running of any race and the order of the finish therefor.”
 It is against the law to masturbate while watching two people in a car having sex.

It is against the law to slurp your soup in public.

It is against the law for bar owners to sell beer unless they are also brewing a kettle of soup. 

It is against the law for any woman to disrobe if she is standing in front of a man’s picture.

It is against the law for a woman to drive a car unless her husband is waving a flag in front of it.

I guess he was expected to warn pedestrians of a pending danger approaching them.

It is against the law for anyone to howl at ladies within city limits.

You may not curse inside city limits.

Did that include inside your home?

It is against the law to own a reptile as a pet unless you are a school or a zoo.

Did that include turtles? There was a man in Toronto who owned a poisonous snake as a pet. It got loose and couldn’t be found inside the house. The owner of the house was unable to sell his house after that.

It is illegal to gossip within city limits.

“It shall be unlawful for any person within the corporate limits of the town to willfully disturb the peace of others by repeating or uttering slander, scandal, malicious gossip or rumor, calculated to provoke a breach of the peace.”

It is against the law to permit any dandelion to grow within city limits.

Did any of those dolts who created that law know how difficult it would be to keep dandelions from all the lawns in the city?

It is illegal to ride a cow while drunk.

The Licensing Act of 1872 stipulates that operating a cow, horse or steam engine while intoxicated carries either a prison sentence or a fine. It allegedly carries a penalty fine of up to 1,200 GBP excluding the costs of looking after the cow, horse, etc. So when you go out cow-tipping, just make sure not to hop on one.
It is Illegal to get fish when you ae drunk.
 It is illegal to breast feed while in public.

That law is no longer enforceable in cities where the city fathers possess common sense.

In Canada, it is legal to have oral sex with your pet                                        
Canada’s Supreme Court has legalized oral sex with pets as long as no penetration is involved. If penetration was involved, then it would be bestiality which is illegal.

Men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sex with a male animal is punishable by death.

In Illinois, animals can be sent to jail

A monkey once served five days in a Chicago jail for shoplifting.

It is against the law for animals to have sex in the city limits.

Try enforcing that Bylaw.

It is illegal to store your own belongings in your ow garage.

According to Chapter 6 of the San Francisco Code, Private and public storage garages in apartment houses and hotels shall be used only for storage of automobiles. Failing to comply with the law can lead to fines up to $500.00.

 Have you any idea how much stuff I have stored in our double car garage when there is only one car parked in it? 

It is unlawful to drive by the same place within 30 minutes on Atlantic Avenue.  


It is illegal to park a car on railroad tracks. 

Hey. Is that law really necessary? 

If a Leprechaun calls at your door you must, by law, give him a share of your dinner.


Really?

No more than two people may share a single drink.

 

It is illegal to drive around the town square more than 100 times in a single session.


 Does that mean that driving around the square 99 times is OK?

It is illegal to not wear clothes while taking a bath in a bathtub.


Are you kidding?

Local authorities can impose fines on people hiking nude in the Alps in the conservative canton (district) of Appenzell.    

In 1980, I climbed up Diamond Head, the extinct volcano in Honolulu nude as the day was extremely hot. My wife was ahead of me to warn me if there were people approaching us on the winding bush-covered trail.

It is against the law to wear masks at parties except during Carnival.     


Father speaking at his son’s fifth birthday party. “Take those masks off you naughty children. It isn't Carnival time.

It is illegal for women to wear trousers.  


My oldest daughter always wears trousers and she is an inspector of jails so she won’t have to be sent to jail since she is in them all the time.

 Women are not permitted to wear anything red.   

Does that include lipstick and nail polish?

Women must wear a corsette after sundown and be in the company of a male chaperone.

Can her chaperone be her pimp?

  You are unable to tuck your pants into one boot unless you own ten or more cattle. 

  A dead person cannot be require to serve on a jury. 

Perhaps if they could serve on a jury, we would get better verdicts in some cases.

If a driver in an accident dies, the police are required to do a breathalyzer test to legally be able to determine who was at fault for the accident.     

If the police are able to get a breath sample out of a dead man, perhaps they can ask him how much he had to drink before he began driving his car.

One may not tip over a casket at a funeral.    

I would sure like to know what the penalty is.

Cutting off a friend’s head with an axe is against the law. 

I guess it was OK to cut off anyone else’s head with an axe.

It ia  capital offence to inadvertently to kill someone while attempting suicide.        

Isn’t criminal intent necessary to get a conviction?  

A  product made with a pig's leg or thigh and drumstick of a turkey is a ham.   

Can you believe it?  In 1990, the US House of Representatives came to this conclusion—a chicken is a ham. I always thought it was a bird.


Watermelons are prohibited.

Alright you watermelon eaters. You are going to jail.

If  honey is a blend of more than one type of flower, it is illegal for the honey to be labeled as having come from one type of flower.      

Tell that to the bees. They are the manufacturers of honey. 

It is illegal to flip a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for the     coffee.  

Then play a game of poker to see who pays for the coffee.

A state legislator proposed a resolution urging that each TV weather person be required to provide an ice cream cone to every member of the state House of Representatives whenever the forecast was wrong.

You know where that proposal went. It went so far down the toilet; even the Rooter Rotor Plumbing service man wouldn’t be able to retrieve it.

A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.

 Does this mean that some fool can put an ice cream cone in his of her pocked on other days? Let me ask another question. Does anyone really do that?

It is a violation of the local law for any pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while either flying or waiting to board a plane.

Did anyone really do that? Small pets, yes. But an ice cream cone?

Public games are prohibited unless prior written permission is provided by the mayor at least 8 days in advance.  The person in charge must present an insurance policy covering any and all possible damages likely to arise.

The mayor approaching school kids playing softball in the school yard. “Show me your insurance document.”

Snow ball fights are illegal. 

 Is there anyone living in the northern hemisphere who has never thrown a snowball at someone else?

It is illegal to play checkers in public. 

They got to be kidding. 

It is illegal to catch a fish by throwing a rock at it. 

Is it OK to throw a spear at the fish?

It is legal for the blind to go hunting as long as they have someone with them who isn't blind.     


Please tell me how a blind person will successfully walk in a forest or field on his or her own to go hunting.

It is against tghe law to kill a housefly within 60 feet of a church without a licence. 

My aunt and uncle lived in a house that was right next to a church. They didn’t need a licence to kill a housefly.

It is illegal to catch mice without a hunting licence.  

Tell that to my cat.

Hunting is prohibited in Mountain View Cemetery.

That’s logical. You don’t want to wake up the dead.

A woman may only have sex with her husband and the first time that this happens, her mother must be in the room as a witness.  

When I first had sex with my wife, my mother in law had previously been dead for years. If she wasn’t dead and went into our bedroom while my wife and I were having sex, I would yell, “Get out of our bedroom, you pervert!” 

A betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband but only do so with her bare hands.    


That would be difficult if  her husband weighs 400 pounds and is a professional wrestler.

A woman forfeits her property rights to her husband if she has been raped by another man unless her husband forgives her.   

That is a law you would find in the Middle East nowadays.

Couples must wait at least 72 hours to be married unless the man has raped the woman.        

My father raped my mother in January 1933. After I was born nine months later, my grandfather made it clear to my father that he had to marry my mother to legitimize my birth or else.  My father didn`t want to risk the “or else” consequences he was threatened with so he married my mother. My mother wasn’t too happy with that arrangement but fortunately we seldom ever saw him as he slipped in and out of our lives as the years went by.  

No man shall shoot of a gun while his female partner is having a sexual organism.        

Unless she is asleep and he wants to wake her up.

Women may not walk down a public street at night without being accompanied by a man.        

Unless of course, if she is armed and has a black belt in Karate.

If a locomotive is driven on roads, a man must walk in front of the vehicle with a red flag during the day and a red lantern at night to warn passers-by.

 Surely a locomotive huffing and puffing with steam shooting out of it in both sides is sufficient warning that it is on the road coming towards the pedestrians.
 When approaching a four-way or blind intersection in a non-horse driven vehicle you must stop 100 feet from the intersection and discharge a firearm into the air to warn other horse traffic.

That is a sure way to get your horse and all the other horses on the street stampeding down the street.

Drivers of power-driven vehicles who stop at pedestrian crossings are liable to a fine of up to five yen.

 That is from Article 40 of the Beijing Traffic Laws.  I guess that means that you are to drive through the crowd of pedestrians as they cross the street.

Condoms are considered an obscene article and are to be hidden behind the pharmacist’s counter.

That was so the little kiddies didn’t ask their mommies what they were used for. Most of them already knew what they were used for.

No female shall be permitted to be employed in any dance hall for the purpose of dancing with male patrons of the dance hall.

Was that law passed in the era when women couldn’t vote?

Men are not allowed to ask women to dance during the month of July.

What was significant about the month of July?

Women who sit on men’s laps on buses or trains without placing a pillow between them face an automatic six-month jail term.

The men get bragging rights.

If the horn accidentally sounds while making love in a car, the couple can face a jail term.

That is probably because the constable patrolling the area didn’t know they were doing this sinful deed until he heard the horn blowing which then told him where the evil perps could be found.  

If police officers suspect a couple is having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times and wait two minutes before they approach the scene.

By then, those evil sinners will be sitting in the front seat reading the Bible.

It is illegal to teach the English  language without a permit and that permit must say where you will teach English.     


Many years ago, I taught English to a class of Greek students. Did I understand Greek? To quote a common phrase—It was all Greek to me.” How did I do it? I had an interpreter with me naturally.  

It is  against the law to speak English in Illinois.  

When was that law repealed?  2016? In any case, the official language is American.

It is illegal to own gold.

Executive Order 6102 was signed on April 5, 1933, by U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt “forbidding the Hoarding of gold coin, gold bullion, and gold certificates within the continental United States”. The order criminalized the possession of monetary gold by any individual. Did wedding rings have to be turned over to the government? It continued to be   illegal to own gold in the United States until December 31, 1974.
 Staging a marathon dance is illegal, although posting a notice on a fire hydrant about illegal dance marathons is not.

This is similar to one hand not knowing what the other hand is doing.

The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park.

Alas, the poor dogs in Illinois didn’t speak English or they were Greek and didn’t attend my Greek class.

Atheists are disqualified from holding office or testifying as a witness.  

That was because they had to swear to God. Nowadays, they raise their hand and affirm to tell the truth.

Every office must have a view of the sky, even if this is through a very small window.

That would make for very small buildings.

No pilot in command of an aircraft that is in flight shall permit a person to leave the aircraft without a parachute.  

Who in hell would want to jump out of a plane thousands of feet in the air without a parachute?  An extremist who wants to be greeted by seventy six virgins when he reaches heaven. He will be deeply disappointed when he learns that they are all over eighty years of age.

 If any person shall open, set on foot, carry on, promote, make or draw, publicly or privately, a lottery, by whatever name, style or title the same may be denominated or known; or if any person shall, by such way and means, expose or set to sale any house, real estate, goods, chattels, cash, written evidence of debt, certificates of claims or any other thing of value whatsoever, every person so offending shall be guilty of a Class 2 misdemeanor which may include a fine not to exceed two thousand dollars ($2,000). 

That is a North Carolina law.

If you are under the age of 21 and you have in your possession an empty beer bottle, you may be charged with illegal possession of alcohol.

I guess no one in that state collects beer bottles in order to make some pin money.

Anyone under the age of 18 must have parental permission to throw a tear gas cannister.      

So if you are in a student protest and a tear gas canister lands at your feet, you have to call your mommy on your cell phone for her permission to pick it up and throw it away from you.

You may not carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length. 


That law applies to anyone who is over twelve feet in height.

The carrying of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless some are exhibited to public view.

The real interpretation of that 1912 law is that if you are carrying a rifle which is hard to conceal, you may conceal your handgun under your shirt. However, the word “some” means that you have to carry more than one rifle that is not concealed. Quite frankly, the law is written stupidly.

 No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.


Getting your wife’s permission will be easy if she is an alcoholic.

It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than two inches without her consent.

What wife would give her consent unless of course she is a masochist and likes being spanked?

It is legal for a man to beat his wife on the courthouse steps so long as it is before 8:00 pm.

After all, we don’t want her screaming to wake up the little kiddies who are trying to sleep in their beds.


Well there you have it Folks. Have things changed since these laws were enacted? Some of them are still in existence. That is because nobody in authority bothered to remove them. 

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