Arranging for my funeral

It was after I had the triple by-pass surgery in 1999 that I decided that I had better start seriously thinking about where I was going to be buried and what kind of funeral I was going to have and what my memorial should look like. I was sixty-six at that time and I figured that I could go at any time. At the time of this writing, I am seventy-five and I have come to the conclusion that since only the good die young, I may actually see my great, great grandchildren get married.

When my mother died at ninety-one years of age in 2003, she left me some money so I realize that I had enough money to pay for my funeral, the plot and the memorial without saddling my wife (who is eighteen years younger than I am) with that financial burden.

The first thing I did was, look for a cemetery. I didn’t want one that would be too far for my family and friends to visit my grave after I am gone. I don’t know why I think they would visit me after I am gone. Perhaps I had that silly dream that they would make it an annual ritual to pay their respects to me until they too passed on.

After driving through a number of cemeteries in Southern Ontario, I finally decided on one in North York, a suburb of Toronto.

I went to the office of the cemetery and the conversation with the employee I spoke to (a young and very pretty woman) went like this.

“Good afternoon, Sir. Can I help you?"

“I am looking for a plot to be buried in.”

“Oh! We have a few left.”
What a bald-faced lie. There are plenty of spaces available.

“Would you like me to show you some of them?”
Does she think I am here for some other purpose?

“Yes, that would be fine.”

As we got into her car, she asked in a soothing voice, “Do you wish to be cremated?”

I knew that a great many people choose this manner of disposal of their remains but I am not one of them.

“No. I wish to remain as I am in one piece.”

Many people choose to be interred that way also.

Then she asked, “Is there any particular setting that you would like to be interred in?”

“Such as?”

“Well, you could be placed in a columbarium.”

“A what?”

“A granite wall.”

I then said to her, “I would like to be buried next to a tree if at all possible.”

She drove us to a spot in the cemetery where a young maple tree had been planted.

“Here is a plot that is available right next to this young maple tree.”

I noticed that there was gazebo a mere hundred feet away. I thought to myself, “Great. When my family and friends show up for their annual visit to my grave, and it rains, shelter is but a few seconds away.”

“This looks just fine.”

She asked, “Will it be just for you?”

“No. I would like the plot to include my wife’s remains also.”

“Of course.”

Did you know that the remains of a man and wife are not always placed side by side. Sometimes, the first one who dies is buried first and the other one’s remains are lowered onto his or her spouse. I chose that we be buried side by side. After all, the plot size of ours would be eight square metres.

I paid $6,514 for the plot. That was the first of three things that I had to do. My next thing was to choose a monument.

These things used to be called grave stones but I think the word, ‘grave’ doesn’t set well with most people nowadays so the word; ‘monument’ is considered more appropriate. Further, I think that those who sell them will charge more for them when they refer to them as monuments.

Let me give you some advice. Don’t buy them from a cemetery. They charge far too much for them. Buy them from the manufacturer. They charge a wholesale price because they don’t use a middleman. There is only one monument manufacturer who makes them in Toronto so I went there to buy one.

“Good afternoon, Sir. And what can I do for you?
What a silly question. Did he think I was there to buy some flowers?”

“I would like to look at some of your monuments.”

“Please feel free to look around.”

Gravestones in the past were for the most part made from sandstone because they were easy to engrave the names on however, as the years went by, the wind smoothed them out and unfortunately, it is almost impossible to see what was engraved on them nowadays. That is why granite, which is one of our Earth’s hardest stone, is used nowadays and has been used for monuments for quite a long time. Generally, granite can be found in three colours; black, grey and pink. I prefer black with white writing.

I chose a monument that was black. Strangely enough, in the contract they gave me to sign, the stone is called ‘Tweed’ but it is still polished black granite. I prefer that to a marker on the ground or a bronze plaque that will turn green over the years.

Its size is 26 inches in height, 34 inches in width and 8 inches in thickness. It is placed on a base that is 32 x 14 x 6 inches.

Now came the tricky part. What was to be written on it? I have seen many monuments in my day and that last thing I wanted on it were sayings such as; Rest in Peace, RIP, He’s with the Angels etc. I considered momentarily, 'I told you I was sick.' or 'You’re next.'

I decided that I would design my own monument so I went to work on the design. The first five lines would be dedicated to my work as a writer and thinker followed by the capitalized words, COMPOSER, PIANIST, THINKER, WRITER

Then came the fun part. I wrote my motto in a code that would take several super computers to break it. It took up four lines. That was followed by the names of my wife and I and the dates of our births. At the very bottom, are the words; “Dahn dedicated his life to others; Ayako dedicated her life to Dahn.

At the very top on both sides of the monument is the layout of the trisection of a right angle done with a compass and ruler. I was the first person to have solved that problem, a problem that up to when I solved it had been considered an impossible feat.

Have you ever wondered how they engrave what is to be written on monuments? The process isn’t that complicated. First, they draw the design on paper and after you have given your signed approval, they cover the face of the monument with rubber. The lettering is then cut from the rubber and a hose that sprays fine sand and is on a machine that moves the hose back and forth is set in motion. The sand blasts away the stone where the lettering is to be and bounces off the rubber where the stone is to be untouched by the sand.

My monument cost me $2,925.00.

Now all that what was left to do was to prepare my funeral arrangements. I found a funeral home that was only a little over a mile from the cemetery. That way, my mourners would not have to drive a long distance trying to find my final resting place after my funeral.

“Good morning, Sir. How can I help you?”
Another fool who thinks I am there to buy flowers.

“I want to arrange for my funeral.”

“A wise choice, Sir. Many people your age do that nowadays.”
I bet he says that to everyone who comes in here."
“
"Let me show you around. We will start with the slumber rooms."
Slumber rooms? Good Lord. What a choice of words. I’ll tell you what a slumber room is. It’s the inside of a church when I am listening to the minister going on and on and on about the sinful lives we live. I slumbered through all those homilies until I decided that I had enough rest and went back out into the real world and sinned even more.

He showed me various visitation rooms. I have attended quite a few funerals of my deceased friends over the years and I have never ceased to marvel just how fine the furniture is in these funeral homes. I don’t think any of my friends ever had such fine furniture in their homes when they were alive and that goes for me also.

All initial visits to a funeral home invariably end up in the room where the caskets are sold. Caskets are primarily constructed with metal or wood. Wood caskets can be constructed in various wood species including ash, cherry, hickory, mahogany, maple, oak, pecan, pine, poplar and walnut. They range in price from a thousand dollars (for the pressed wood caskets that are covered in cloth) to fifteen thousand dollars (for the highly polished rosewood caskets that have brass handles.) In between those priced caskets are the caskets made of metal. These caskets are available in stainless steel or basic steel of varying thickness including thin, medium or thick. They are also available in semi-precious metals including bronze and copper. There are approximately twelve caskets in these rooms

He showed me a fifteen thousand dollar casket made of rosewood and said, “You will notice that in this casket, there is a small receptacle in which a small glass tube in placed and inside that glass tube will be the name of the deceased.”
My God! Just how far will he go to sell me that casket? Why would anyone dig my body up in the first place and even if they did, wouldn’t my monument have my name inscribed on it? If they want to put something in my casket saying who I am, just put a note in my hand with the words, written on it saying, “My name is Dahn Batchelor and yes, I am still here.”

“Take your time, Sir and let me know when you are ready to choose the one you wish to be laid to rest in.”
Laid to rest? When I am tired, I will lay in my bed. When I am dead, I will lay in my coffin. Where do they get this idea that a person who is dead is merely resting? Could it be because once we are deceased we will need a good rest before we go on the long trip to wherever we are supposed to go? I wonder if I should ask him if there are any caskets cheaper than a thousand dollars. I guess I won’t. If there are, they would probably be wicker baskets.

I finally chose the one I liked. It was made of stainless steel.

“A very good choice, Sir.”
He would have said that even if I chose the cheapest one. Of course had I chosen the fifteen thousand dollar casket, he would have said,” You have a great eye for style. Only someone such as you with your appreciation of things of high quality would choose such a magnificent casket as this one.

I thought I heard him ask, “Is that with or without a lid?” It was probably my imagination going wild again.

“Now we have metal caskets of varying thicknesses.”
I didn’t know that.

“Now obviously the thicker the metal, the less likelihood that moisture will seep in.”

Give me a break. Outer burial containers and vaults are used when earth burial is requested. An outer burial container is a concrete form with a top cap that houses the casket in the earth and prevents the collapse of the grave over time. That is why in the past, people were told not to walk on someone’s grave. Outer burial containers have liners or seals that prevent the entrance of water or other elements of the earth into the receptacle so why does the thickness of my casket really matter?

I didn’t ask about what would happen to my body when it is first brought into the funeral home. I will spare my readers the gory details especially if there are eating their lunch while reading this piece. Besides, I already knew. Many years ago, I wrote a three-part series for a magazine about what happens to a body when it is brought into the ‘preparation’ room. It is sufficed to say that once they begin preparing you for the viewing that will follow; you will definitely not be coming back to life again after you are buried. One thing I will say is that you will look a lot better after they have prepared you than when you were alive.

“Now we have a beautiful chapel in our facility. Would you like to see it?
What the hell! Why not? I certainly won’t be seeing it when I am lying in my casket.

Will you be making arrangements for some music to be played in the chapel?

“How much will that cost me?”

He gave me three prices.
For the lowest price, I would be lucky if they got someone to play the mouth organ. For the mid price, they will provide an organist. If there is going to have an organist perform at my funeral, I will pick my own. Albert Switzer is my first choice but I suppose I will have to dig him up since he passed away many years ago. For what they would want for my third option, I would expect the Toronto Symphony Orchestra and the Mendelssohn Choir to perform at my funeral.

“Some recorded music would be appropriate.”

“Of course, Sir. We have some fine recorded music available when required.”

He showed me how I would be transported from the funeral home to the cemetery. I need not explain this mode of transportation as everyone is familiar with it. However, I would prefer to have my remains transported in an all-glass hearse pulled by six white horses with the prime minister of Canada following close behind but I am going to stop hallucinating and get on with the rest of this piece.

My funeral costs were $7,223.00.

There is one thing I would like to bring to the attention of my readers however. For a fee, (and it wasn’t too much) I purchased transportation for my body should I die anywhere in the world that is more than 200 kilometres from the funeral home. Do you have any idea as to just how expensive it is to transport a body from one country to another? Did you know that someone actually has to be present with the body during its transportation? Buy the insurance. It only cost me $515.00.

In summary let me say this. Funerals and cemeteries are necessary, monuments are not but they really are nice to have.

Of course, this is all academic for me. I learned later in my life that when we die, we can’t take our money with us. That being as it is, I have decided not to go. So all that expense was for naught. With the exception with respect to my monument, the rest of it is refundable. Mmmm...

UPDATE

The Province of Ontario passed a law in July 2009 permitting ashes of loved ones to be cast into Ontario's waterways in an environmentally responsible fashion. My mother's and stepfather's ashes were thrown into the Pacific Ocean near where their home was on the north shore of the Island of Oahu in Hawaii.