Why do parents give silly names to their children?

Imagine, decades upon decades of people mispronouncing your name, misspelling it, and giving you weird looks because of it. Why do parents insist on being so vainly cruel?

My mother gave me my first name as, ‘Dahn’. When I asked her why she gave me that name, she said that she created it for me. I met a police inspector in Toronto whose first name was also Dahn and he told me that his mother created the name for him also. Many people pronounce my name as ‘Da han’ with the emphasis on the letters ‘han’. Other pronounce it as Don. My mother simply called me ‘Danny’. In my business cards, I have printed my name in the following manner; Dahn (Dan) Batchelor. This way, people can simply call me Dan. One time I applied for a job and I was refused the job because they said that they thought I was a woman because of the spelling of my first name.

My mother called my younger brother, Gail. That is a girl’s name. When he was ten years-old, he told my mother and me that he wouldn’t answer to the name of Gail anymore and said that he wanted to be called Dale after that. My mother agreed and he has been called Dale ever since.

Parents who give silly names to their children think they are being cute but in fact, they are being stupid. To saddle a child with a silly name is a terrible thing to do to the child. I remember reading about a couple whose last name was Gunn. Can you believe it? They actually named their three boys as Sten, Machine and Tommy. One cruel couple whose name was Hogge, named their daughter, Imma.

Here are some registered weird names for boys.

Abyss, Amen, Apple, Bear, Blade, Charm, Confession, Dwarf (I don't even want to think about that kid's childhood) Gal, Go, Godly, Gospel, Hey, Holy, Infinite, Knight Sir Lancelot, Lisa, (That’s a girl’s name) Nadir, (which means ‘absolute lowest point’) Unique, Stalin, (who would want the name of a man who murdered millions of his own people?) Truth, ($100 bucks says the kid becomes a pathological liar) .

Here are some registered weird names for girls.

Alaska, (she’s lucky that wasn’t her second name. Her silly parents would probably given her first name as ‘Baked’. Albert, (that’s a boy’s name) Beautiful, (suppose she wasn’t beautiful. What terrible ribbing she would get) Beautiphul, (beautiful, but spelled in a strange way) Boat, Chaos (what were they thinking?) Chevy, (I mean, why not Saab?) Chevette, is that any better?) Choice (as in, "If I had that one, I'd have chosen another name!) Cuba, (If that was her second name, her silly parents would have giver her a first name such as ‘Free’) Dynasty, Final, Galaxy, He, Infinity, N/A, (as in, not applicable?) Misha, (named after the Russian Olympic mascot) Nada, (Russian for No) Precious Angel, Prince, (the male son of a king) Promise, Providence, Sin, (Would you believe it, there was a cardinal in the Philippines name Sin. He was addressed as Cardinal Sin. I knew a dentist called Pus) Sparkle, Story, Symphony, Tall (you better hope she is, that's all I have to say) Tangerine, Tequilla. Treasure, Unique (15 of these as well!) Virgin (ok, so her name will be obsolete around her 16th birthday?) Wednesday ZC (I can't even begin to speculate on that one)

One stupid woman gave her daughter the following as her first and second names; Formica Dinette.Another woman named her daughter, Latrina. I hope that when that poor girl grew up, she had the sense to have her name changed. Another woman called her daughter ‘Ampersand’. She admitted that she didn’t know what the word meant. It is the short form for the word, ‘and’ and looks like this. &. She said that she chose the name because it sounded nice. Well, there is one advantage to having that name. The daughter can sign her name as &. One couple named their daughter, Vulva. One man was named, Hymen. Now that is just cruel. One couple named their three children, Faith, Hope and Charity. I have met women whose names have been Faith and Hope but none with the name, Charity. One couple named their son, Jazz and their daughter, Wolf. One man stated on the Internet that he went to elementary school with girls named Angel Fish and Charmin (the name of a brand of toilet paper). A delicious twist of fate was that the meanest jerk in his class who made fun of everyone else’s’ names was named Lumiere; the candlestick from Beauty and the Beast. Once that movie came out in 1991, he had to shut his mouth. I have always thought that naming a boy, Bubba, is doing a disservice to the boy. Unfortunately, many southerners in the United States think that name is appropriate. I don’t think it is appropriate to call a boy Jesus but then I suppose it would be wrong to condemn such a practice considering how many girls are called Mary.

Fortunately, many countries are taking steps to stop this nonsense. I remember reading a story a couple of years ago about parents who wanted to name their daughter "Jusque-une-Ange": It means, Almost-an-Angel. That didn't sit so well with the authorities in the Catholic province, though I can't remember how the legal appeal turned out.

In March of this year, a decision that’s expected to send shockwaves through the African-American community—and yet, give much relief to teachers everywhere—a federal judge ruled that month that black women no longer have independent naming rights for their children. Too many black children—and many adults—bear names that border on names that aren’t even being words according to U.S. Federal Judge Ryan Cabrera before rendering his decision. He said. “I am simply tired of these ridiculous names black women are giving their children. Someone had to put a stop to it.” The rule applies to all black women, but Cabrera singled out impoverished mothers. “They are the worst perpetrators,” he said. “They put in apostrophes where none are needed. They think a ‘Q’ is a must. There was a time when Shaniqua and Tawanda were names you dreaded. Now, if you’re a black girl, you hope you get a name as sensible as one of those.”

Many black women themselves seemed relieved after hearing that decision but not Uneeqqi Jenkins, 22, an African-American mother of seven who survives on public assistance. Her children are named Daryl, Q’Antity, Uhlleejsha, Cray-Ig, Fellisittee, Tay’Sh’awn and Day’Shawndra. Ms. Jenkins said, “It’s so hard to keep coming up with something unique.” How about, Zzzzzzz?

Noawadays, at least three white people in Detroit must agree with the name before a black mother can name her child. I don’t think that part of the judge's ruling is fair however. His ruling stemmed from a lawsuit brought by a 13-year-old girl whose mother created her name using Incan hieroglyphics. “She said it would make me stand out,” said the girl, whose name can’t be reproduced by The Peoples News’ technology. “But it’s really just stupid.”

The National Association of Elementary School Teachers celebrated Cabrera’s decision. One teacher exclaimed, “Oh my God, the first day of school you’d be standing there sweating, looking at the list of names wondering ‘How do I pronounce Q’J’Q’Sha.’?” Joyce Harmon, NAEST spokeswoman. Asked, “Is this even English?” The practice of giving black children outlandish names began in the 1960s, when blacks were getting in touch with their African roots, said historian Corlione Vest. But even he admits it got out of hand.

Cabrera’s ruling exempted black men because so few of them are actually involved in their children’s lives.

Detroit’s controversial naming rights law has claimed its first victim. Alopecia Davies, 18, was arrested on July 24, 2008 after she refused an order from the African American Name Beautification Committee to spell her daughter’s name with letters found in the standard English alphabet.

The girl’s name would have been pronounced something akin to ‘Chamillionaire,’ which likely would not have passed AANBC scrutiny. But Davies, who dropped out of Detroit’s Murray Wright High School after learning she was pregnant, wanted to spell it using Klingonese, a fictional language from the Star Trek television show. Davies told The Peoples News she wasn’t a fan of the show but thought using the made-up language, which has a guttural sound, would make her daughter’s name unique. She said in her defence, “My one best girlfriend, she name her daughter Chameleon Air. My other girlfriend, she name her little girl Come Million Heir. So I had to make my baby special.”

AANBC member Paula McQueen, one of the three whites charged with approving the baby’s name in this case, said Davies should have found another way. The committee tried to work with her. “We suggested Camille or even Kami,” says McQueen. “There aren’t any baby girls in her neighborhood that have fewer than four syllables in their name, so that would’ve made her daughter stand out.” The AANBC has been called into 410 births where mothers have chosen suspect names. But this was the first time the mother refused to tone down their first choice. The committee has been highly scrutinized recently, since it allowed a mother to name her daughter ‘Kanapay.’ Members found it borderline acceptable, until being told too late that it was actually a homophone for the French word canapé, which means ’sofa’. “If someone can still name their child ‘Sofa,’ then this committee is toothless,” said Judge Ryan Cabrera, who ruled in March that black women in Detroit could no longer name their children. When told about today’s arrest, Cabrera was pleased. He said, “It was these kinds of idiotic names that I was trying to eliminate in the first place.” One black woman named her daughter, La La.

Detroit Police arrested Davies at Detroit-Mercy Hospital after she scribbled something on the girl’s birth certificate. The department’s cryptologist confirmed the writing was Klingonese, but that Davis had actually spelled out the nonsensical ‘Chappatoomee.’ When told of her mistake, Davies said “Ooh, that’s pretty.” She faces a fine of $500 and 90 days in jail.

Some New Zealand children were given such names as Violence, Midnight, Chardonnay and Number 16 Bus Shelter. A set of twins was named Benson and Hedges, after the cigarette brand and some children had been named after six-cylinder Ford cars. In one case, a girl was named O.crnia, but in negotiations with the mother as a direct result of a parenting order, the name of her child was adjusted to Oceania. Brian Clarke, the registrar general of Births, Deaths and Marriages, told the New Zealand Herald that the law did not allow names that would cause offence to a reasonable person, He said that there are are more than 100 characters and names that include titles, military ranks, punctuation or numerals that cannot be used. That means that if the child's last name was "Marshal", the child's first name couldn't be "Field".

Names rejected by the office include Fish and Chips, Yeah Detroit, Stallion, Twisty Poi, Keenan Got Lucy and Sex Fruit.

A girl called ‘Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii’ was taken away from her parents in New Zealand so her name could be changed, it emerged recently. The nine-year-old had been left with an “unnecessary social disability and handicap”, a judge ruled in a custody case. The girl pretended she was called “K” to avoid being teased, the court heard. Judge Rob Murfitt said: “The court is profoundly concerned about the very poor judgment which this child’s parents have shown in choosing this name.” Her name has been altered and the dispute settled, with the new name not made public to protect her privacy. The ruling on the girl, from Hawera, New Zealand, came to light when it was published in law reports.

Let's face it; naming children has gone a little weird over the years. Nicholas Cage named his boy Kal-el, which is Superman's birth name. Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin's chose Apple for their daughter's name. A little odd, but not altogether bizarre.

A couple out of Russia, however, went a little overboard in naming their boy and now the child can't get any official government documents. He has no birth certificate, registration or insurance -- all because of his name, “Russia Today”. Another boy’s name sounds like "Boch" in Russia, the seven-year-old child's name in English reads as "BOH dVF 260602" -- an abbreviation of "Biological Object Human descendant of the Voronins and Frolovs (the parents' surnames) born on June 26, 2002." His father, Vyacheslav Voronin, doesn't see a problem with the name. He said, "It will make his life easier, so he won't interact with those idiots who think one's name defines their appearance. Every person who gets a traditional name is automatically linked to his historical background. And he will be devoid of his ancestors' legacy." I wouldn't be so sure it would make the kid's life easier. Is this ding-bat nuts? I guess that question was easy to answer.

Japan forbids parents to name their children with silly names. However, Sweden doesn’t seem to take this problem seriously. They draw the line at names such as, God, Allah or Devil, however they say that parents can now name their newborns "Budweiser" or "Metallica" if they so wish. Lars Tegenfeldt, an official in Sweden said recently that the guidelines have been relaxed. He said, "There is nothing negative about a name like Coca-Cola or McDonald's. Give me a break!

My Japanese-born wife and I found a way to choose the first and second names for our two daughters and our daughters liked the procedure also so they chose their daughter’s first and second names the same way.

I wrote down five Oxidental names such as Sarah, Jane, Mary etc and gave my wife the choice of which of the first names she would give to the girls. She chose, Sarah for our oldest and Michelle for our youngest. Then she wrote down five Oriental names such as Asako, Emiko, Hoshi etc. Our oldest girl’s middle name I chose is Asako. My youngest daughter’s middle name is Ayoko.

It’s getting so bad nowadays, there will be a time when the sound of a child’s name is no different than what you hear when a beer horse breaks wind. However, you can call your child all the pet names you want. I address my oldest granddaughter as, “my pet frog” and she calls me “Gecko”. My two daughters named our now deceased cat, “Poopsie: which may explain why it had such a low esteem of itself.

I always kidded my two daughters when I suggested names for their own daughters. I always proposed the same two names; Gertrude Snodgrass. Needless to say, they didn’t give their children those names. The oldest is Serena, then the next one is Elecia, the third is Isabella and the fourth is Eva.

Whatever you do, don’t put silly names on your children’s birth certificates. As they get older, you risk the chance of them never forgiving you. Of course, nowadays, people can change their names on their replacement birth certificates and forever hide the terrible name they were given when they were born.

Hey! What’s wrong with Gertrude Snodgrass? Gertrude Stein and Catherine Snodgrass were both great writers. Beside, the names, Gertrude Snodgrass have a nice ring to them. Ding-a-ling.