NAMING YOUR CHILD                   

There are a number of things a parent must do when they have children such as bringing them up properly, caring for them, teaching them how to conduct themselves with other people, educating them etc. But one of the first things they should be doing is giving them their first and second names.

                                       

Giving a name to a child, a family, a book or a place is the way by which we give identity to them. Whether we are in school or college, at work or at home, in our country or anywhere else around the world, we are known by the name given to us since the time of our birth. We will often see the same names used over and over again in some families. Some try to find the most unique and exclusive names for their children. There is also a lot of repetition of names in different countries and cultures. To give our child a name that suits best to him or her and also unique in its own way is sometimes difficult for parents. People who are very particular about naming a child will try to search for the perfect one.

You might have an unattractive name and you don't even know it! The good news is that there's always someone out there who will find your name, and you. My name is easy to find. I will explain why.

When I was born; my mother created my name. It is Dahn. It is actually pronounced Dan. Some people when they see my name actually pronounce it Dean. My mother always called me Danny. I was surprised to learn of two other men who had the same first name. One was a taxi driver and the other man was an inspector in the provincial police force in the Province of Ontario. Did we all have the same mother?

The spelling of my name did haunt me once. I applied for a job as a gym instructor at a young offender’s facility. I received a letter back saying that the job opening was for a man and not a woman.  After that, I always put the letters Esq (Esquire) which states that the name is that of a man.

My mother chose the name Alexander as my middle name. That was the first name of my maternal grandfather He was always called Alex. Get ready for what follows. His parents chose a strange middle name for him. It was Wood.   

DAHN is a given name in the United States with an estimated number of people who have that given name as 371. There are 0.12 people named DAHN for every 100,000 Americans. This name is most often used as a last name, 87% of the time.

My younger brother’s middle name is Vincent which is the same middle name of my late father.

However, his first name was Gail. That is a girl’s name. That really upset him and when he was ten; he told our mother that he wanted to have his first name changed to Dale. Later his first name was officially changed to Dale.

Parents should NOT give their children—names that will haunt them for the rest of their lives.

Here is an example. It was bad enough that the last name of the family is Hogg but when Mr. and Mrs. Hogg decided to name their daughter.  They named her Ima. When she was always asked to give her name at school, she would say, Ima Hogg. Then the laughter followed when other kids would say, Oink, Oink, Oink or make pig sounds. She was also called Piggy.

Heath Campbell and his girlfriend, Bethanie White in Easton, Pennsylvania are white supremacists.  They named one of their boys, Adolf Hitler Campbell. Eventually their children were taken  from them and I am sure that the boy’s name was changed.

Incidentally, the German Nazi dictator, Adolf Hitler’s real last name was  Schicklegruber. Some have speculated that he changed his name to Hitler in order hide his Jewish descent. I wrote in volume two of my Memoirs as to how he actually had Jewish blood and genes in his body. More on that in another article.

Now back to silly and stupid first and second names.                    

I have no idea as to why some Spanish speaking parents name their boys, Jesus. That particular name accounts for 0.2% of male births in the United States, Incidentally, they pronounce that name as  Hay-soos.

What's in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.  Unfortunately as it turns out, that isn't the case for guys. Sure, you may smell like a rose, but if you have that name that shows up on an application form, no one is going to think you're very sweet. It's not even fair. It's not like we choose our own names! And yet, we have to use them our entire lives and get judged by them.

What if you're a Harold who secretly wants to be an Adrian? Or a Matt who would prefer to be a Christopher? Tough! Unless you're really prepared to go through the headache of changing your name, insulting your parents and convincing everyone in your life to start calling you something new, you're stuck with your name. zof course, if it is a silly name, get rid of it.

In Iceland, the name Elvis was kicked to the curb by the powers that be. The New Zealand government was okay with the name Number 16 Bus Shelter, but couldn't stomach the name Yeah Detroit. In Sweden, Metallica was approved, but Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116 was rejected.  

The following names are just some of the most ridiculous of all designations that have actually been assigned to children. After perusing these horrific choices, you may also feel strongly that the time has come for some of the worst baby names to be made illegal.

For example, bodily fluids usually don't make the best names. What's one to do when their name is beautiful in another language, but becomes potty humor when it's translated in to English? This is exactly what happened to at least one unlucky girl who was a  Romanian girl who immigrated with her parents to the United States. Her name was Yu-Reen and pronounced Urine. Keep in mind that Urine is actually pronounced as Urin. While the name Yu-Reen should definitely be illegal in the United States, other countries will need to decide for themselves whether or not it's acceptable in their country.  

Clitis, along with a few similar names like Uretha and Vejoncia, is just way too similar in sound and spelling to a part of the female anatomy that one can't mention without blushing in embarrassment. Foolish parents should not be allowed to assign these horrific names to a poor, innocent child.

How is a kid with these most improper names going to feel when she learns the terminology for all a woman’s private parts of her  body while she is in middle school attending Sex Ed? The answer is that she will be very, very angry at her stupid and uncaring parents.

Clitis, along with a few similar names like Uretha and Vejoncia, is just way too similar in sound and spelling to a part of the female anatomy that one can't mention without blushing. Therefore, parents should not be allowed to assign these horrific names to such unfortunate children.

Actress and musician Shannyn Sossamon, best known for her role in 2001's A Knight's Tale, has two beautiful little boys. Her second son was given the slightly quirky moniker, Mortimer. His older brother wasn't quite so lucky. Sossamon and her boyfriend, children's book author, Dallas Clayton, decided to name their firstborn Audio Science. If he is lucky, he will simply be called, Audi by his friends.

When I hear the name, Mortimer, I think of that radio show in which one of the characters (a wooden dummy)—was called Mortimer Snerd.

At least 5 babies were given the name Billion in 2014 alone. In my opinion, that's 5 too many. A poor child assigned this expensive name may find solace in the fact that it can be shortened to the more acceptable nicknames Bill or Billy. Of course, Lion is also a pretty nice option.

One of the most popular trends in baby naming these days is combining two previously common names to create never-before-heard-of, Franken the name of masterpieces or monsters. Would you like to be called Frankenmonster all your life?

In 2014, 7 children were assigned their first name as Disney. There is no denying that Walt Disney was a visionary imagineer with a flare for the fabulous, but his name has become synonymous with mouse ears and twirling princesses living happily ever after.  I can just see these poor children being called at school as Disneyland.    

Many years ago, a new mother in the Midwest decided to name her baby girl after two of the things she loved most in the world: marijuana and pepsi. Marijuana Pepsi Jackson was born raised in Beloit, Wisconsin, and has had to overcome the ostentatious and unbelievable name her mother stuck her with—one that most certainly raised a few eyebrows every year during role call on the first day of school. Marijuana Pepsi has found major success in life, despite the fact that she's had to bear the burden of a name that should most definitely be against the law. Rumor has it that Jackson has never smoked and prefers orange soda to Pepsi.

This unfortunate girl is going to have to spell her name out for everyone, as well as go through the arduous process of explaining that her name is actually just pronounced "Ay-meee" and not "Ee-ey-gh-may" as many may assume at first glance. Sure, the bizarre spelling of this designation makes it stand out, but not in a good way.

If my oldest daughter’s first name was Marijuana, imagine how she would suffer in her job. She is an inspector of jails and detention centers in Ontario.

Any time heaven or hell is used anywhere in a name, the name should be illegal. Any time a first name includes a dash -- or any other punctuation mark for that matter, it should also be illegal. 

The parents of a baby girl decided that her first name should be Abcde (the first five letters of the alphabet) I suppose it would be pronounced, Abseedee. 

There is at least one documented case exists of a baby who was given the name Xerox. Names that start with the letter "x" are arguably ultra cool, but when a name is also a well-known brand, it suddenly goes from sophisticated and chic to cold and empty. Incidentally Xerox is generally pronounced as Zerox.

Nutella is a delicious spread many families enjoy on a regular basis. It is made up mostly of hazelnuts and cocoa, and goes great with warm toast, waffles or fruit. It's also wonderful right out of the jar. Does the fact that this name is also a delectable treat make it a good name for a baby? Not in France.

A French baby girl was given the name Nutella by her parents, but the government didn't approve, and required that the child's name be changed. Why? The judge in charge of the case stated that since the name chosen was a popular food item, it didn't qualify as a baby name. He added, "And it is contrary to the child's interest to have a name that can only lead to teasing or disparaging thoughts." Because the hazelnuts, chocolatey spread-loving parents chose not to attend the hearing that deemed their child's name inappropriate, and not allowed, the judge ruled that the baby's name be officially changed to the more appropriate Ella.

Sadman is an actual name that was given to at least one unfortunate little boy in 2014. While attribute names like Justice and Valor are growing in popularity, things go too far when a character trait chosen as a child's name is a pretty damn depressing name.

The child given this name has no way to fix the predicament his parents have put him in. He can go by Sad or Man, but neither really sound like names. He could opt for the nickname Manny, but the fact remains that the downcast, despairing, despondent undertones this name possesses make it unfit to be assigned to any child.

Musician and activist Bob Geldof and television presenter and writer Paula Yates were in a relationship from 1976 until 1996, and had three daughters together. The names the two chose for their lovely girls are  most definitely out-there, but the worst of them is arguably Fifi Trixiebell.

The former couple's other daughters are named Pixie and Peaches Honeyblossom—two other choices that should probably be outlawed.  Yates also has a daughter named Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily with Australian musician Michael Hutchence. Maybe it should just be illegal for Paula Yates to name any more children.

Facebook is a wonderful tool many use to stay in touch with family and friends, share interesting information and spend hours taking fun little quizzes. None of these facts make Facebook an appropriate name for a child. A man in Egypt named Jamal Ibrahim recently chose the name Facebook for his baby girl.

He felt so grateful to Facebook for their role in improving the political climate of his country; he decided to name his baby after the platform.  The reasoning behind his decision to name his baby Facebook is heartwarming, but doesn't make the name any less atrocious.

Olive Garden Smith is an actual name that was given to an unsuspecting little angel upon her arrival. Surprisingly, the reasoning behind her name has nothing to do with her mom and dad's affinity for pasta. They simply liked how the two names sounded together. Actually, the father was in love with the name Garden and the mother wouldn't budge from her conviction that they name their daughter Olive. The result? They had named their daughter after an Italian restaurant chain.

Former sumo wrestler and mother-of-fourteen year-old Elfi Yaghi gained international attention after she chose to name her fourteenth child Jihad. She has remained silent as to why in the heck she chose this controversial word for her child's name. It is understood that Yaghi is a devout Muslim, the only possible reason for her extreme and violent name selection. This doesn't make her choice any less disturbing.

One child’s first and two middle names were Mercury Constellation and Starcruiser. If moms and dads insist on giving their child the first name as Mercury, his middle names should be something along the lines of John or Mike, not Constellation and Starcruiser.

One stupid woman named her daughter phelony. It rhymes with felony.

Each and every one of the names listed above should be made illegal right away. Sure, parents should be given the freedom to select a name that they love and cherish for their treasured tots. Unless, of course, the name they choose is deplorable. In these cases, it is our duty governments of the world to protect the children who are victims of completely stupid names.

Social Security data in the United States had over 5000 names that were given to babies a century ago but have now gone extinct. Some of these names were obscure ethnic names, like Tsuyako and Mieczyslaw so they too have faded from view as immigration patterns have shifted. Others are unusual variant spellings of names that have declined in popularity, like Ulysees and Lauraine.

Apparently a lot of parents in 1918 wanted to set achievable expectations for their kids. The first names were:

Constant: 20 boys

Bland: 14boys 

Pleasant: 12 boys

Normal: 10boys

Carless: 7boys

Square: 6 boys

One parent named her child, Peekaboo. I am convinced that that unfortunate child was teased as a child. That child’s name will detrimentally affect the child’s future until he or she applies for a name change.

 There are really persons called ‘SIM Card’, ‘Chip’, ‘Gionee’, ‘Miss Call’, ‘Rajyapal’ and even ‘High Court’. In the Middle East They tend to name their children after posts and offices like ‘IG’, ‘SP’, ‘Hawaldar’ and ‘Magistrate.   

I knew a dentist whose last name is Pus. That name is really an infectious name.

One in five mothers feels “namer’s remorse” and would pick another name for their child if they had the choice, according to a survey.

Of the 245 mothers who regretted the names they gave their children, 12% “always knew it was the wrong choice”, 3% knew from the moment the child was born, 8% knew within a couple of days, 32% knew within the first six weeks and 23% began to regret their choice when their children first started nursery or school. Just over 10% of mothers said the name did not suit their child. Another 11% said it was not distinctive enough. A further 11% said it caused their child problems with spelling or pronunciation.

Because of history and tradition, Royal options consist of a shortlist of names that pay homage to past monarchs. For example, Prince George’s name, George Alexander Louis, is a tribute to Queen Elizabeth’s father, King George VI,  The Queen herself, whose middle name (well, one of them anyway) is Alexandra; and little George’s own father, who is William Arthur Philip Louis.

Is naming your baby after yourself is a flagrant display of narcissism? A shameful failure of imagination? In my opinion, naming a boy after his father’s first name is ridiculous. Imagine if you will having your name followed by the Roman number IV.

My Japanese-born wife and I found a way to choose the first and middle names of our two daughters. Here is how we did it.

For the first names, I selected five normal names for girls and my wife chose the one of the five she liked best. Then she selected five Japanese names for our  girl’s middle  names and I chose the ones I liked.

Our oldest daughter’s first and middle name are Sarah and Asako. Our second daughter’s first and middle names are Michelle and Akira. Both of our daughters are pleased with their names.  Their children have names, both first and Japanese middle names they all like.

I love teasing my children and grandchildren. When my daughters were pregnant, I suggested the first and middle names for their children. They were—Gertrude for the first name and Snodgrass for the middle name. Hey, those are two names that no-0ne will ever forget.  Alas, they chose names of their own choosing. Sarah named her daughter’s first name as Serena and her middle name is Japanese. Michelle named her three daughter’s first names and their middle names are Japanese.  

My wife always calls me Daddy. That is because I am 18 years older than her. Of course, my daughters always call me Daddy because I am their Daddy.

Our grandchildren have pet names for my wife and me. She is called Deedee and I am called Geko.

Consider the names of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. They named their daughter North West. 

The 2016 Social Security register in the United States shows that plaon names names like Mary, Michael and John have slipped, but you'll find Messiah and Maximiliano, Royalty and Royce, Aitana and Itzayana, to name a few. Hardly any baby girl is named Susan anymore.   
 

For a first and middle name, Moxie Crimefighter are tough names to live wth and yet two parents gave their child those first and second names.   Baby naming has become its own challenge. But why? Does having a unique name somehow guarantee a unique life?  What exactly is in a name?  "You'd think it should just be a label, an idle label that doesn't affect anything. But that's not how the world works. It turns out it matters a huge amount.
 What's a "good" name? "There's evidence that a good name is a simple name, A name that's easy to pronounce is judged more positively. My mother spelled my first name as Dahn. She always called me Danny. I pronounce Dahn as Dan and all my friends, acquaintances and my wife pronounce my first name as Dan. But many people who see my name in print pronounce it as Dahan or Dawn. When I asked my mother why my first name is spelled as Dahn, she replied, “I wanted it to be distinctive. She got that right. I read about a taxi driver whose first name was spelled Dahn. Also I knew police superintendent whose first name was spelled as Dahn.  Hey! Did we all have the same mother?
 
When people look at the name Dahn, they might ask the question, "Is Dahn a man or a woman?", or "What is the gender of the name Dahn?" I applied for a job and got a reply in which the prospective employer replied thusly, “I am sorry. The job s not for a woman, it is for a man.” By the time I responded to the reply, the job was given to another  man.

 Some names are more gender neutral than others, and some names are more strongly associated with either males or females. Some spelling variations of the name Dahn might be more popular than others.  Based on popular usage, it is 3.460 times more common for Dahn to be a boy’s name. I am not aware of any deceased famous people named Dahn. Will I be the first?


The name Dahn  is actually a German surname

I don’t intend to change my first name as I have lived with it since 1933 so I have become rather attached to it. 

I hope you have had fun reading this article as much as I had fun writing it.