ANGER: How to deal with it

I am not a psychologist nor a psychiatrist however I studied abnormal psychology for a year at the University of Toronto and for five years, I counselled prison inmates individually and in group sessions in a detention center, hence I am qualified to write this particular article.

Anger is a universal emotion. We all feel annoyed, frustrated or outraged from time to time. Yet there’s a common misconception about anger since it usually manifests as shouting or violent behaviour.  However, anger is a lot more complex and nuanced than those descriptions of anger.

We all have a range of anger types that we resort to when feeling threatened, disrespected or frustrated. The type of anger we use to express our feelings can vary depending on our mood and the circumstances we’re in. Anger is neither inherently good nor bad as it’s simply an emotion.

How we manage our reaction to anger can be the difference between creating positive change, or perpetually needing to deal with the unwanted consequences of an angry outburst.

There’s no consensus amongst psychologists as to how many types of anger exist.  However, I will give you the 10 most common types of anger. I recommend that you peruse the list to see if you can identify the ways you most commonly react in anger. Clarifying your anger type and learning simple strategies to manage those types of anger  is the key to controlling your emotions and behaviour.

Assertive Anger:  This kind of anger is the most constructive type of anger expression. If this is your type of anger, you use feelings of frustration or rage as a catalyst for positive change. Rather than avoiding confrontation, internalizing anger, or resorting to verbal insults and physical outbursts, you should express your anger in ways that create change in the world around you without causing distress or destruction to society in general. Assertive anger is a powerful motivator. You can use assertive anger to overcome fear, address injustice and achieve your desired outcomes in life. I will give you an example of the use of asertive anger.

Back in the late 1970s, an obnoxious cop charged me with obstructing him in his duties when I refused to leave the scene of a large fire. He actually charged me only because I filed a complaint against him. My complaint against this cop was ignored by his chief.   I decided to wreak my revenge against this obnoxious cop in my own way. My anger at this time in my life was cooled and controlled as it is always in my life.  

I wrote a very long article as to how I dealt with this cop and it was published in the Canadian Police News. It was also published in my blog on the 22^nd of April 2009. If you read it, you will see how I destroyed this police officer’s career.

He was a constable then so I decided to wait until he was of a higher rank since I believe that the higher a cop is, the harder is his fall. I waited for seven years. That was when he was the chief of police.

Previously, as a result of my continued persistence, the Ontario Police Commission upon studying my complaint, recommended to the city where he was then their police chief, that he be fired. The Commission referred to him as acting like he was Caesar.

I wrote a blistering report about this cop and sent it to the mayor of the small city where this cop was employed as the city’s chief of police.  As an experienced investigator, I was able to find evidence that the cop was fired from one police force for having sex with the wives of other officers who were then on duty. In another police force he worked in, he was referred to by his fellow cops as the Beast of Halton Region because he beat prisoners when their hands were cuffed behind them. I also sent the mayor a copy of the transcript of my trial where that cop lied under oath ten times during my trial.

A hearing was conducted in that city and I was the only person who was asked to address the city council. Half an hour after my having told the council as to why they should fire him, he was fired. I later learned that he was working somewhere as a security guard and that his wife had divorced him.

During that seven-year period in my life, I wasn’t angry. I was cool, patient and determined to destroy that cop’s career and that is what I actually did. His fall from grace must have been very painful since he fell from the role as a married police chief to that of a divorced security guard.

Philosopher Thomas Paine said “The greatest remedy for anger is delay” and this is especially valuable advice for behavioural anger management. If you feel your anger rising, take a moment to calm down before you do something you may later regret. Remove yourself from the situation if possible and use a self-talk technique to regain control of your emotions. Stay emotionally calm then take the time to consider what you intend to do next.

If anyone is foolish enough to make me really angry, this is what I say to them. “I do not forget and I do not forgive.” Making that statement cools me down as soon as I utter those words.

Judgmental anger is being righteously indignant.  This type of anger is usually a reaction to a perceived injustice or someone else’s shortcoming. Although judgmental anger assumes a morally superior stance of justified fury, it may alienate potential allies by invalidating their difference of opinion.

Commit yourself to exploring the situation you are in as circumstances are rarely as simple as they seem on the surface.

Chronic anger is an ongoing, generalised resentment of other people, frustration with certain circumstances and anger towards oneself. It’s characterised by habitual irritation which is the prolonged nature of this type of anger that can have profoundly adverse effects on one’s health and wellbeing.

Spend some time reflecting on the underlying causes of your anger. If you can identify the source of your resentment, you may be able to resolve the inner conflict that you’re experiencing by forgiving yourself and others for past transgressions. The process of forgiveness is powerful, and can help you to resolve lingering hurt and frustration. Of course sometimes, forgiveness is not deserved.  Let me give you an example.

When one of my granddaughters ( she is an adult now ) was five years old, she was sexually molested in our home by one of my close friends. The police were called and he was arrested and charged.  Every day he was brought into the court for pretrial hearings, I was there glaring at him.  When he passed by me, he diverted his head in another direction. He waited for his trial for a year and all that time, he was in custody. He wasn’t even permitted to attend his father’s funeral.  When II attended his trial. I was told that both he and the judge had a copy of my complaint that described in part as to how he betrayed my trust in him.  The judge correctly gave him credit for the year he spent in jail while waiting for his trial so this sex offender was set free. Months later when I was in another court representing a client, this former friend was in the same courtroom. I kept glaring at him so rather than diverting his head away from my glare, he left the courtroom   until my client’s case was heard.  I will never forgive this man for what he did to my granddaughter. The last I heard of him was that he was no longer permitted to practice law.  I did not forget what he did to my granddaughter nor will I ever forgive him.

Overwhelmed anger is an uncontrolled type of anger. It usually occurs when we feel that a situation or circumstances are beyond our control, resulting in feelings of hopelessness and frustration. This type of anger is common when we’ve taken on too much responsibility or unexpected life events have overthrown our usual capacity to cope with stress. While we are in that state, we are prone to making dcsions that we will later regret having made.

It’s crucial to reach out for help if we are experiencing overwhelmed anger. Let family, friends and professional colleagues know that you need some support, whether it’s help with babysitting, taking a family member to their medical appointments, or an extension for your school or work assignment or a work project. By alleviating potential sources of stress, you’ll regain a sense of emotional and behavioural control again.

Passive-aggressive anger is an avoidant type of anger. If this is your usual mode of anger expression, you are likely trying to evade all forms of confrontation, and subsequently you may deny or repress any feelings of frustration or fury that you’re experiencing. Passive-aggressive anger may be expressed verbally, as sarcasm, pointed silence or veiled mockery, or physically in behaviour such as chronic procrastination at work. Sometimes people who express anger passively aren’t even aware that their actions are perceived as aggressive and this can have dire personal and professional outcomes. However keeping your frustration to yourself is dangerous to your health because excess  stress can kill you. Get it off your chest by talking to a friend about your frustration.

Self-abusive anger is a shame-based type of anger. If you’ve been feeling hopeless, unworthy, humiliated or ashamed, you might internalize those feelings and express anger via negative self-talk, self-harm, substance use or eating in excess. This is disordered behavior. Alternatively, you may find yourself lashing out at those around to mask feelings of low self-worth, increasing your sense of alienation. You might consider seeing a psychologist for treatment for this kind of anger because you could end up getting ulcers.

Verbal anger is often seen as less dangerous than behavioural anger, but it can be a form of emotional and psychological abuse that deeply hurts the target of one’s anger. Verbal abuse may be expressed as furious shouting, threats, ridicule, sarcasm, intense blaming or criticism. If you’ve lashed out at someone verbally it’s common to feel ashamed, apologetic and regretful afterwards.

Even if the words are on the tip of your tongue, take a breath before you speak.. As tempting as it may be to blurt out the first angry response that comes to mind when you’re upset, the key to effectively managing this type of anger is simply delaying the impulse to lash out. With practice, you can curb any tendency towards verbal abuse and replace it with assertive anger expression on your face.

There was a moment in my life when I was angry when a prosecutor said to the judge in a case in which I was representing a client. “Your Honour. I am not sure that Mister Batchelor should be representing his client in a case that is as complicated as this one that is before you today.” He was forty-years of age and I was  eighty years of age then.

The judge then looked at me and said to me. “Mister Batchelor. Do you wish to respond to the prosecutor’s remark?”

I smiled at him and said. “Your Honor. I was practicing law many decades before this young man’s mommy was wiping his bummy.”  The judge smiled and the spectators laughed. The prosecutor didn’t look happy at all. I didn’t feel ashamed at all. It was my way of getting even. It brings to mind that revenge is sweet. Obviously there are times when one should retaliate when offended by a fool.

Volatile anger seems to come out of nowhere. If this is your type of anger by being very quick to get upset about perceived annoyances, both big and small, then calm down when you are prone to being really upset. Unfortunately volatile anger can be incredibly destructive as those around you may feel they need to walk on eggshells for fear of triggering your rage. If left unchecked, volatile anger may eventually lead to violent outbursts and possibly violent actions.

There are many other forms that anger can we can experience, but these are types that I have listed in this aticle are the most ones people commonly use when they’re feeling upset and frustrated. Anger management is a fascinating area of research. There’s a strong body of evidence that the practical strategies mentioned above are effective tools for regulating angry feelings, thoughts and behaviour.

We've all seen these kinds of people such as the boss who blows his or her  top when a meeting runs five minutes late, the man in the coffee shop who screams and rants when his latte isn't made with soy milk, the maniac driver who honks at every car in stop-and-go traffic.

Aside from being annoying and sometimes even threatening, angry people aren't doing themselves any favors. A growing body of research suggests they may be setting themselves up for everything from heart disease or a heart attack and irritable bowel syndrome to headaches and maybe just the common cold since their immune system is going bonkers.

A study of 5,600 Italians, published this month in the Journal of the American Heart Association  found that individuals who are cynical, manipulative, arrogant or short-tempered have thicker carotid arteries, which means they're more vulnerable to heart attacks and strokes. What's doing the damage is stress and how angry people react to it or overreact to it. t's sort of like idling the car too high on the traffic light or you're racing your car’s engine when you don't need to.

When people face a stressful situation, their bodies produce the hormone, cortisol. Under normal circumstances, cortisol helps maintain blood pressure and the body's fluid balance however in a stressful situation. it is what causes the heart to beat faster and it also causes sweating as the body heats up

The rush of cortisol is great when people face a legitimate, immediate danger. It stimulates the "fight or flight" mode that was life-saving for our human ancestors and still is. It primes the body to run fast and make quick decisions. But it is potentially damaging for people who tend to get angry and aggressive under stress, or who are chronically stressed out.

Over time, chronic stress can weaken the immune system or alternatively, send it into overdrive, which can lead to autoimmune disorders. Chronic stress can be the cause of inflammation, which can negatively affect almost every part of the body, from the cellular level on up. Inflammation can be a cause of thickened arteries which slows the flow of blood throughout the body.

The Italian study focused on antagonistic traits such as cynicism, arrogance and manipulative behavior and how they might be related to thick carotid artery walls. It found that the people who were most antagonistic towards others increased their risk of arterial thickening by 40 percent.

Mental health experts who read the study said that people who view the world from an antagonistic perspective,who think everyone's out to get them and who don't trust others are almost definitely quick to anger and are more stressed and vulnerable to heart disease than people who are evenly tempered.  Basically, every dimension of the body is affected by stress. It's very clear in terms of hypertension and renal disease that repetitive stress is bad for you.

Let me give you a comparison. Several years ago, one of the trees in our property was subjected to a very uot wind. It began to bend and it actually bended so far, the top of the tree touched our deck. The main shaft of the tree didn’t break. As it got cooler. the tree finally returned to its normal stance. If the tree had been subjected to the hot and strong wind many times, the shaft of the tree would have eventually snapped.

The next obvious question is whether people can improve their health by controlling their anger. People with extreme anger problems such as those who have personality disorders or who are physically or emotionally abusive will probably benefit from one-on-one therapy. People with less immediate problems might consider anger management classes or support groups for people with hot tempers. I advised a close friend of mine to attend such sessions and he feels better for it.

However, many people may not know whether their anger is affecting their health. It may feel like their anger is a natural response to a situation, especially in the moment they are faced with a situation that that makes them angry.

People who worry that they have an anger problem should look at recent instances when they lost their temper, and with the benefit of hindsight, they should ask themselves whether they overreacted. For example, did that person who made you angry really deserve to be yelled at?

If your marital partner expresses something that leads you to feel demeaned, then rather than assertively  sharing your hurt feelings, and risk making yourself more vulnerable to them, you may react subconsciously. It could be as petty as forgetting to put something away, or not having forgotten a scheduling an event, or a past mistake that compromised the family budget—in short, doin anything! Unfortunately, that just makes matters worse. In such instances, what you’re basically doing is endeavoring to make someone else.feel demeaned to hurt their feelings  by getting back at that person who demeaned you .It’s an undeclared fight that is a largely unrecognized, game of tit for tat. And while you’re engaged in such retaliatory pursuits, guess what? Presto! You’re no longer feeling demeaned—at least not at the moment  which, sadly, reinforces this essentially childish behavior you have chosen to indulge yourself in.

And what about the recipient of your fit of temper? Now that person bears the burden you’ve just managed to shake off. Whatever feelings of hurt you were experiencing have been passed on, or transferred, to the other person. And that person who initiated the confrontation may not have hurt feelings  but will be angry as well. That person will unconsciously grasp the feeling that you harbor the hostile impulse to harm that person. So if that person steps back from you, it’s not because he or she wants to provide you with more space to vent your venom. It’s because that person has a feeling of real concern and the urgent need to distance him or herself from you.  This is a good way to lose a friend.

In any case, that person’s own defensive reaction is likely to end in counter retaliation such as blaming you right back. This can escalate the conflict between the two of you with lightning speed. It’s not a physical “eye for an eye” but a verbal “blow for blow."

Other possible reactions are for the now-distressed recipient of your vengeful criticism to archly defend him or herself or  to leave the scene altogether. And, of course, none of these self-protective reactions helps the respondent of your attack to understand just what triggered your anger buttons in the first place. This is another reason that anger rarely resolves anything.

I hope that you found this article informative.