How to talk to kids about the death of a loved one

It is difficult enough for adults having the face the death of a loved one but small children are not only sad, they are also confused.

Generally small children are exposed to illness, dying and death, from a very young age. Even children who are too young to talk about death will recognize their parents and caregivers’ response to death. As they get older, your children may have questions, fears, or curiosity about death. The way to talk to children about death depends primarily on the age and personality of your child.

Before you try to help your child deal with a loss, examine your own thoughts and feelings about loss, particularly about death. Recall your first experience with loss. What helped you deal with it? What was not helpful to you? This is especially important if you experienced your first major loss when you were a child. Remembering your experience may help you recognize and understand your child's feelings. Also, the things that helped you may also be helpful to your children. 

Before you talk to your child, you’ll need to take care of your own grief. If your feelings are still too raw, you may be unable to help your child process his or her experience safely. First of all, talk to others who can help you process your own feelings of sadness to avoid overwhelming your child with your own sadness. You don’t want to be crying while you are talking to your children about the death of a loved one.

If you feel uncomfortable talking about death, your child will notice this. Try to come to the topic with a clear and open mind. It’s okay to show sadness and emotions. However, if your feelings about death are too raw, your child may be more upset by your feelings than the death of a loved one itself. If they see and hear you crying while you are talking to them, you will be talking to children who ae also crying and are not able to fully understand what you are trying to tell them between your sobs.

Talk to your child in the car, before dinner, or before bedtime when your children are most receptive to slowing down and having a conversation with you.                              

Infants and toddlers are unable to understand the concept of death. From their perspective, their loved one (such as a parent) is simply not there anymore, and they react to it the same way that they would to a separation or abandonment by a caregiver.

Thus, ah infant may respond in various ways –such as frustration at the change in caregivers, being more clingy to a parent, or through not appearing to care. Preschool children are beginning to understand the concept of death, but they see death as reversible where dead people can come back to life not unlike going to sleep and then waking up. Because they view adults as powerful, they may also believe that the adult chose to die on purpose. Preschoolers are also self-centered, and as a result, may view death as being about them and think. that it is their fault or that they are being punished for being bad in some way

Infants and toddlers won’t be able to understand a conversation about death or anything else for that matter but they will react to their parents’ emotional state. Starting at around age 3, you can talk to your child using clear language. School-aged children should receive simple, honest explanations about what happened to cause the death. Older children and teens may be able to understand death as well as an adult, but may have difficulty expressing their feelings about it due to their immaturity.

\\

Those children who are age six to eleven, are able to understand that death is permanent, but may still have troubles understanding why their loved one had to die. Those who are age twelve and are teenagers who are capable of fully understanding that death is irreversible, and that it happens to everyone. Despite this however, teens tend to view themselves as invincible, and that death happens to other people.

You should be aware that children and teenagers grieve in a more sporadic manner than adults do. Their feelings may veer abruptly from sadness to excitement. Your children may be processing their feelings through their activities, so be watchful and alert for any signs that they are trying to communicate to you in unexpected ways. Remember that you are the best interpreter of your child’s communication. You’ll know whether they like to communicate through their drawings, their playing or by having conversations with you.

Children are literal in their understanding of words. Many common euphemisms for death are confusing and frightening when taken literally. For example, don’t say that the loved one has gone to sleep. Your children will think that when they go to sleep. they may also never wake up. “Don’t tell them that the loved one has gone to a better place.  They will feel deserted.

You can show your children other concrete examples of death: the death of a flower, a plant, or a pet. Use these examples to show your child the consistent facts of a death that are final, inevitable, and natural.

As with adults, children may respond in different ways to the death of a loved one. The loved one may be a person, but can also be a pet. Some of the ways a child may respond include the following;  

Sadness: The child expresses sadness at the loss, which is the most typical reaction to losing a loved one by anyone.

 Anger: Losing a loved one is not fair, and sends the message that the world is an unfair place. This may lead to anger and irritability, which may be directed at themselves or others.

Increased anxiety: Losing their loved one sends the message that the world is a dangerous and unsafe place. As a result, the child may have anxiety and fears about dying and losing other loved ones which may lead to them becoming clingy and afraid to separate from caregiver(s) as a result.

Shock/denial: The child is so overwhelmed at the loss that the child tries to avoid facing or dealing with the loss. This may include avoiding talking about the loss.

Guilt: In some cases, the child may blame him-or herself for the loss. “Maybe if I had been a better child…” “Maybe if I hadn’t told grandma that I hated her that time…” etc.

Problems functioning at home or school: At school, a child may start having problems with school work while at home a child may be withdrawn and unable to participate in family activities. A child may also develop behaviour problems and not follow direction from adults. They may also become aggressive as a way of expressing their anger and sadness. with oppositionality, defiance or aggression.

Acceptance: The child accepts the loss and learns to live with it, and is able to go on with his/her life and is able to talk about the loss.

Most children and also a great many adults believe in the existence of heaven (and various other special places and /or reincarnation and that they will all meet again when they are old and it is their turn to leave their loved ones. Point out that until then; they will live for a very very long time.

Explain to them that whether the death of a person or a goldfish, your children won’t see the loved one living again. Tell them that it also means that the loved one won’t experience any more sadness or pain, and you can reassure your child that this was a good thing for the loved one.

If your children are school-aged, they may be able to understand that death is final, but they might not know that it’s inevitable. It will help your child if you’re able to provide simple and honest explanations for the death of their loved one.

Whatever you do, don’t tell them that when they reach a certain age in their lives, they will all die. Instead remind them that many people have lived even to a hundred years of age. That will certainly remove their fear of dying when they are young.

Make sure your children know that the death of their loved one wasn’t because of something they did or didn’t do.

Talking to your children about the cause of the death will be helpful. The more your children know about the reason for the death, the less likely they will blame themselves.

If your children are too young to understand the exact cause of death, you can explain it by using terms they might understand. For example, you could explain that the body of the loved one wasn’t working anymore, and couldn’t get fixed.

Assure your children that not everyone who gets sick will die. Remind them of times when they were sick and got better. Make a list of all the people who they love who are not sick so that they comforted.  Tell them that that they won’t be left alone when they are sick. This can be a good opportunity to remind them how many people will care for them when they are really sick.

Your children may have questions that you didn’t expect, such as “What’s it like inside a coffin?” or whether it dark and cold under the ground. These questions aren’t intended to be disrespectful, but reflect a child’s attention towards what has happened. Answer each question as best you can.

If your children are asking about where the dead person is now,  there is no need for a lengthy explanation of the afterlife, but simply tell them that the body is buried in the cemetery and his or her  spirit is in heaven or elsewhere. Don’t tell them that the spirit of the loved is next to them. If they believe in ghosts, this will really frighten them.

Don't try to keep their grieving a private affair. Ask child care providers, teachers, and school counselors to help your children  express their feelings, concerns, and misconceptions.  Tell them what you have already told your children.

The good news is that eventually the loss of the loved ones are on the back burner so to speak and new experiences take over their thoughts.